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Not-Nursery Rhymes: Monday’s Child

I am quite bored, okay? So fecking about with Nursery Rhymes it is.

Monday’s Child is fond of bass
Tuesday’s Child’s a hopeless case
Wednesday’s Child is full of shit
Thursday’s Child is not a hit
Friday’s Child is just so-so
Saturday’s Child has an extra toe
And Sunday’s Child says he’ll go to heaven
– It’s what you get if you clone one kid into seven.

Cornflower meadow

Not-Nursery Rhymes: Little Boy Blue

I like nursery rhymes. And I like playing with them. And so, here is my own version of Little Boy Blue.

Little boy blue
Won’t blow on his horn
But sits at the window
Looking out at the corn
That sways in the breeze
On a backdrop of trees
In the noontime – he slept through the morn.

Little boy blue
Plays music no more:
It brings him no joy
While his soul is at war.
Instead a small sigh
Is the sound he lives by,
Though he doesn’t know what he sighs for.

Little boy blue,
Please darling, don’t cry
– Let’s go to the meadow
And sit, you and I.
And know it’s okay
To feel sad, or dismay:
Just remember that it will pass by.

An Open Letter to a researcher on “The Undatables”

I did a new act competition today (it was fun and Tom Taylor won the heat as he was very good). I had my set all planned out, but then something happened that made me forget all my jokes and write something entirely new in an hour. At 15.45 today, I received this facebook message out of nowhere:

Hi Mabel,

I hope you are ok.

I really hope you don’t mind me messaging you – my name is {Name Redacted] and I am a Researcher on The Undateables.  Continue reading

Ten Reasons I’m gutted I’m not doing the Edinburgh Fringe this year.

(This post is the original of an article I wrote for the Student Journals.)

 

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I’m not going to the Edinburgh Fringe this year. The biggest arts festival in the world and the biggest comedy event of the year and I’m not doing a show because I have to save up for a stupid PhD.

Stupid PhD.

Still, doesn’t stop me venting my woes on here for everyone to see, so here we go: Ten reasons I’m really annoyed that I can’t be there – some of which will tell you why you utterly should be there.

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Why being “officially” Cornish makes me happy and sad all at once.

Home.

A few days ago I was besieged with facebook messages from my friends at home. Then a phone call from my mother who was having a party.

“Finally! We are CORNISH NOT ENGLISH!!” She shouted down the phone. Then came a lot of stuff in Cornish that I honestly only understood bits of.

I’m glad that the Cornish have officially been declared a national minority. Mainly because I was fed up of getting into fights with English people about the fact that Cornwall is J.N.E. – Just Not England. Most of the people who end up moving to Cornwall feel the same… there is just something – something – different about it and it’s hard sometimes to define what. Even I find it hard and I am from there!

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15 reasons to definitely not date a comedian.

Okay. So I was on facebook the other day (the way most stories start). And there, under someone’s name, was this article, written for women:

15 Reasons to date a Comedian

Now, many of you won’t want to read the article. And that is entirely justified, because it’s a load of crap. Evidence of this is surely reason #10:
 “Comedians share their life stories with strangers every night. They’re good communicators and are willing to be vulnerable with others.”

All I could think while reading it was “Well, this just isn’t right” – not only because I myself do stand up (and as a lady I resent the assumption in this article that comedians are all men), but because I also date another (more successful than myself) stand up comedian. And all that reading this article made me think is that the person writing it either a) is a comedian who’s desperate to get a girlfriend, b) has wildly idealised the idea of dating a comedian, or c) has FUCK ALL idea of what they’re talking about. Because all of these reasons that this person puts forward are negatives as well as positives. And I can tell you, unless you know exactly what you’re getting into, no one in their right mind would ever want to date a comedian ever. And here, using e-harmony’s own 15 reasons, is why: Continue reading